Numbness and tingling in my hands caused many a doctor visit, but dizzy spells and violent nystagmus prompted the MRI. The results came in the form of a phone call and my doctor's voice. "MS? No. Really? Will I be in a wheelchair soon?" Was all I could say at first. Then I thanked the doctor for the call and reminded him to eat. It was nearly 7pm.
Soon,
I found, that for my type of MS,
a chronic progressive type, there are no drugs available to slow the disease as for
the more common relapsing-remittent. My life as I knew it was over, or so I
thought.
The Progression
Well,
no wheelchair for the first few years. Yet,
my legs were painfully stiff, and my left foot dropped, causing tripping; more than
usual, I'm terribly clumsy. Fatigue plagued
me. I just couldn't get used to this new
dynamic: slowness, pain, and isolation.
My
life as an elementary school teacher revolved around people and busyness, but
now...what? Three years into the
diagnosis and I received my new set of wheels, of which I stayed in for another
five. Depression set in.
The Awaking
As
a teacher, I could create lesson plans out of one simple thought. Packed with surprises and activities, my lessons
were exciting and fun. Creating! That's what's missing. I also needed
interaction with others and a purpose. So,
I needed to find a different path that accommodated what I have left. But how? What could it be?
Focus
As
a long journey begins with the first step, mine was using one of my best qualities.
Perspective. I find the littlest of
things exciting and beautiful: flowers blooming, a hummingbird sipping from lavender. The sound of laughter brings me joy.
So,
out with the depressing, "Oh poor me" and in with gardening as my
body would allow. Gardening forced me
outside to till, plant, and watch the birds as they enjoyed my labor. Slowly, I gained strength and balance.
With
my newfound strength, my wheelchair began to collect dust. But, with MS, one never knows how long that
could last. MS could strike any time,
any part of my body, or could lay dormant for years. I decided to focus on the me of today. Now I
just needed to find my purpose.
Finding a Purpose and Becoming
a Better Person
Since
I love to teach and write, I decided that this would be my purpose. Creating a website focusing on offering
advice, I began to receive questions from all over the world. In all my years
in the classroom, I never felt this type of joy and fulfillment.
"Thank
you!" "You help me more than you know!"...were commonplace
responses. I actually helped people I
didn't even know. And with unique
lessons I created, designed to teach in a few hours before fatigue could set in,
I began to experience the personal interactions I so desperately needed. Surprisingly, I was wearing my teacher's hat
again and feeling fine.
Today
It's
been over 20 years since my diagnosis and over a decade out of my chair. MS may still creep up its ugly head and pull
me right back in, but it doesn't really matter now. What I have, can't be taken from me ever
again. I know I can still help others
from a chair. That is my focus, that is
my purpose, and life is good.
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