Is a Successful Long-Term Relationship Possible for a Victim of Domestic Violence?

Let go of the Past. Concentrate on the Present; Build the Relationship you Want.

As an etiquette consultant, many of the relationship questions I receive concern finding and strengthening relationships.  Since I’ve been in a long, healthy relationship with nearly 25+ blissful years and counting, I firmly believe it is possible even though it has not always been so.  I am a victim and – luckily – a survivor of domestic abuse.  Due to the mental baggage attached to victimhood, it is common knowledge future relationships may suffer.   Victims often fall into the same trap again.  Nevertheless, it was not the case for me.  Why?  

What is the glue that binds two people in a relationship?

For starters, I will not allow the past to affect my relationship.  Since our relationship is most important to me, I work on it every day and we do everything together—partners in all things.  An important study reported by Psychology Today, confirms this is essential to a good relationship.  The study revealed that spending quality time together and actively working on a relationship yields the happiest couples.  

A study published by the American Psychological Association found that romance – touching, holding hands, and kissing – is especially important.   Of course, sex is a component, but not as one would assume.  A common assumption is that a relationship begins with frequent sex and wanes as a relationship ages. Yet, a Kinsey Institute study details that sexual satisfaction tends to increase the longer the relationship. I heartily agree with these two studies, follow the advice, and recommend it to others.

Believing it and Doing the Work

Because of my past, our relationship may not have been possible.  Developing trust after many years of abuse is not easy.  There are days, especially after a night of horror-filled nightmares of those bloody years, where I feel less connected.  I resist the urge to keep it all inside as if I have something shameful to hide.  We talk.  Everything is out in the open and in the sunlight where no nightmares can penetrate.  

This is not easy at times, as an abuse victim I was trained to suffer in silence.  No more.  My steadfast resolve and heeding expert advice derived from studies such as those mentioned above, helped me to believe that a happy, healthy long-term relationship is possible.   A successful marriage or long-term relationship requires work.  I work on ours every day. 

5 tips for a Healthy Relationship

• Be honest about your feelings.  Angry?  Talk about it. 
• Focus on the traits that attracted you to your spouse. 
• Compliment and be affectionate with each other daily.
• Find and do what makes you happy.  Happiness is contagious.
• Spend quality time with your loved one—no distractions.

Keep Reading

Flirting 101: How to Flirt Effectively

How to Know What Gifts to Give When Dating

Five Rules for the Newly Retired Married Couple