Let go of the Past. Concentrate on the Present; Build the Relationship
you Want.
As an
etiquette consultant, many of the relationship questions I receive concern
finding and strengthening relationships. Since I’ve been in a
long, healthy relationship with nearly 25+ blissful years and counting, I
firmly believe it is possible even though it has not always been so. I am
a victim and – luckily – a survivor of domestic abuse. Due to the mental
baggage attached to victimhood, it is common knowledge future relationships
may suffer. Victims often fall into the same trap again.
Nevertheless, it was not the case for me. Why?
What is the glue that binds two people in a relationship?
For
starters, I will not allow the past to affect my relationship. Since
our relationship is most important to me, I work on it every day and we
do everything together—partners in all things. An
important study reported
by Psychology Today, confirms this is essential to a good
relationship. The study revealed that spending quality time together
and actively working on a relationship yields the happiest couples.
A study published
by the American Psychological Association found that romance –
touching, holding hands, and kissing – is especially
important. Of course, sex is a component, but not as one would
assume. A common assumption is that a relationship begins with
frequent sex and wanes as a relationship ages. Yet, a Kinsey Institute study
details that sexual satisfaction
tends to increase the longer the relationship. I heartily agree with
these two studies, follow the advice, and recommend it to others.
Believing it and Doing the Work
Because
of my past, our relationship may not have been possible. Developing
trust after many years of abuse is not easy. There are days,
especially after a night of horror-filled nightmares of those bloody years,
where I feel less connected. I resist the urge to keep it all
inside as if I have something shameful to hide. We
talk. Everything is out in the open and in the sunlight where no
nightmares can penetrate.
This
is not easy at times, as an abuse
victim I was trained to suffer in silence. No more. My
steadfast resolve and heeding expert advice derived from studies such as those
mentioned above, helped me to believe that a happy, healthy long-term relationship is possible. A successful marriage or long-term
relationship requires work. I work on ours every day.
5 tips for a Healthy Relationship
- Be honest about your feelings. Angry? Talk about it.
- Focus on the traits that attracted you to your spouse.
- Compliment and be affectionate with each other daily.
- Find and do what makes you happy. Happiness is contagious.
- Spend quality time with your loved one—no distractions.
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